What were they thinking?! 1

There's been points in films where at some point, something happened that made you lose all faith in the film.
I hope to showcase some of the best examples of that, starting with a humdinger from Spring 2007.

Yes it's the infamous Spiderman 3 dance scene



What were they thinking?!
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Review: The Dark Knight

My tickets worked. :)

The Dark Knight. It was a mission in itself to try and get an objective view of this film after all the hype, marketing, and Ledger's death in January. However, I felt eventually the anticipation served me well, and even if it is a little subjective, who cares? I'm 17 and have been looking forward to this film for 10 months.

The first thing to say about it is it's long. Really, very long. In fact, when we reached what I thought to be the climax in the film, we turned out to be just halfway through the film! The second thing is to say about it is... it's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Almost every performance is captivating and memorable, the set pieces are beautiful, and the storyline is engaging on an emotional, physical and humourous level. Of course, Ledger's performance shines brightest, but Gary Oldman provides a terrific performance as Jim Gordon as well, a tragically overlooked character amidst the real comic-book stylized heroes and villains.

Another surprisingly impressive thing about this film is the size of Two-Face's role in the film. Yes, Dent features prominently, but his post-fuck-up alter ego features is the film for a good 40 minutes. And yes, you see everything. Every detail of his horrific, disfigured face. Aaron Eckhaart was brilliantly cast here, he's a true hero, for the first half anyway. Then as the sneer of Two-Face settles in he's just as at home, flipping his coin to determine who lives and who dies. It's a tragic story, this film, all the interlinking plot lines and characters, none of them side stories or support actors. This 154-minute epic runs it's entire length cramming it full of relevance, hardly any of it dispensable.

Your jaw will drop. You'll gasp, you'll even laugh, this is the legacy of Ledger, he takes so much from the audience, more than anyone else in the film. From his semi-legendary pencil-pushing magic trick to his transvestite disguise in the second act. You'll find yourself loving the Joker even though he offers nothing for you to love, you'll cheer him on as he blows up a hospital, as he carves scars into the sides of a mobster's face. You'll love every moment of Ledger's screentime and he deserves it. It's an epic performance that will go down relentlessly in history, fuck you, Jack Nicholson.

To summarise, see this film to believe it. Not only for Ledger, not only for Batman, not only to knock Mamma Mia! off the number 1 spot in the UK Box Office but because it's incredible. The Dark Knight is here, and won't go way until it's sure it's secured itself a plac ein the history books, Batman's voice will irritate, but so what?

Rating: *****
Sequel: Probably, David Tennant for Riddler!
Best Moment:The last five minutes, probably the darkest of the film, with a Superb monologue from Oldman

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Emperors New Groove

I know this probably isn't a review that you'd be expecting to see on here but i watched this film last week because of my sudden, strange want to see Disney films that i hadn't before, and i felt i had to review it after seeing it.

The Emperors New Groove is the story of the Emperor Kuzco who plans to build a summer home on top of a hill which unfortunately is the home of peasant Pacha, who lives and simple and busy life but still stands by a set of morals despite having to live a peasant life. The plot is changed when the evil adviser to Kuzco decides to plot against him and turns him into a llama with the help of her minion Kronk. From this point onwards the plot escalates into a tale of morals and comparison between it's two main characters.

As much as i enjoyed The Emperors New Groove, which i did, i felt it was a film you can watch without too much ease and enjoy either way, i did feel that it did not meet the mark that most Disney films seem to. Though the film set out to be a comedy with morals it failed by it's own definition slightly with a lack of humour, most of the humour coming from the character Kronk but still making it infrequent and a very simple story about morals which was not expanded on much at all, basically saying that no matter how different you are you can always be friends, this was shown but not to an extent that it shaped the film, what this film really needed was a montage like so much over Disney films of the relationship between Kuzco and Pacha, but seeing as this film lacked music that was nowhere to be seen.

With a lack of music, romance, and with infrequent humour the plot cannot go anywhere except make a few good jokes along the way, and unfortunately because of the lack of romance, music etc. it unravelled the plot to be simple and just look like a journey back to a palace (which is what most of the plot is) whereas something like Shrek has a very simple plot but the audience never find it to be simple or tedious because of it's frequent humour, romance, music and much more.

Another problem i found with this film was they based a film mainly around the Emperor Kuzco but the character himself was never given any of the decent jokes and there is so much spent showing the audience that he is an annoying, spoilt emperor that it is slightly unclear of a change in him as a person, thus weakening the point of basing this plot around morals and by taking away the romance etc. it's really weakening Disney's shield of this being a success as a film.

The film did end up seeming like it was just a massive chance for the character of Kronk to make some good jokes and i couldn't help but think that it was just a test film for Disney so they could work out how to make better films by making one average one, neverthless i did enjoy the character of Kronk to a very large extent, unlike Kuzco he was well written and was given a lot of jokes, and because of this it is in Kronk that most of the attention is given and it ends up that Kronk is the character that keeps fighting so that Disney has some very thin shield helping them defend from the inevitable word 'flop'.

I would respect Disney more if this was just a test film wherein they would ideaolise the character of Kronk and work out how well a Disney film can do without it's main genre's but unfortunately that is very unlikely and it does just seem like a disregard to their usual standards of Disney classic.

The main problem with this film is that it doesn't provide enough to the audience, it will keep audiences amused but never wanting more after the film has finished except of the character Kronk.


Rating: ***/*****
Why watch it: Kronk, and if you need a film which you don't need to pay much attention to
What does it need: A Montage!!!!!!
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Cinematic Irony

My first real blog story.

It's Monday afternoon, and Chris (from the blog) and I are out in town.
"Why don't we get our tickets for The Dark Knight today?" I ask, aware of the complications that can arise when trying to get into a Summer blockbuster. Chris agrees and, as I owe him probably over £10, I offer to buy his ticket as well. I go to the cash office and buy two tickets for the 20.30 showing of The Dark Knight on Thursday. Evening hours? Schools out? Opening night? It's gonna be busy.
We walk out.
"Are you going to give me my ticket?" Chris asks. Now, I know for a fact Chris is not one for remembering things. Forgetting a ticket this small is just his style, I remind him of this and insist on keeping a firm hold on the tickets.
"If anything happens to those tickets, you'll never hear the end of it!" Our friend Joe chips in. He's right. Chris would gloat for endless hours should I be so careless as to lose these tickets.

Anyway I arrive back home that night and fall almost immediately asleep. Upon waking up I'm repulsed by the amount of clothes in my washing bin. I decide to put a dark wash on.
I halfheartedly remove the coins and belt from my jeans, and shove the contents of the bin in the washing machine, crank it up to 40, and go and play on my Xbox

You can see where this is going can't you?

While enjoying a bootlegged clip of Heath's Joker killing a mobster with a pencil, I smugly remind myself I have tickets for the opening night, when a thought hits me
They were in my jeans, I took the coins out, did I... Oh shit!
I dash to the washing machine. The cycle has cruelly ended. There's nothing I can do. I remove the soggy mess of paper that is my 2 tickets and examine them. I might still be able to get away with them, I'll talk to the manager. But I'll never, ever live this moment down in front of Chris.

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Review: Wall-E

Part 1
I have now watched the first 30 minutes of Wall-E.
It's an absolute classic. A cinematic delight so rare I can remember every moment, yet want to see it all again. Wall-E is an absolutely heartbreaking character, whether he's panicking over where to put a spork he's found (in the spoon section or the fork section?) or folding himself into a cube, rocking himself to sleep (a stunningly sad moment in the film). I almost wish they had made that part of the film longer, we see only 15 minutes of Wall-E being Wall-E, before EVE is introduced. I'm pleased with EVE, it could have been so easy for her to irritate me after denying me more undoubtedly adorable Wall-E escapades, but his futile efforts to impress her as the story progresses are just as endearing and enjoyable to witness.

The first 3o minutes of the film features almost no dialogue from the main characters. Wall-E says only 2 words: "directive" and "Eva" (he can't seem to say "Eve"). I find it amazing how such a film managed to keep my attention, nay, keep me in rapture for that entire time. I can't wait to see the final 60 minutes of this film. But to be honest, this first third has told me almost all I need to know.

Part 2
So how does Wall-E impress on the big screen? Pretty damn well, actually. The opening half hour obviously a highlight in the experience. However after EVE shuts down, we are treated to a few more blissful moments of Wall-E's frustrated solitude. The thing with this film I think, is that as soon as the story moved on, and Wall-E embarks into space, I missed what had gone on before. Don't get me wrong, the story moves along in a very compelling and exhilarating fashion. Mo the robot is introduced, with a personal vendetta against the mess Wall-E leaves behind as he happily scoots alongside the still non-functional EVE. The autopilot, another robot is introduced, a definite throwback to HAL 9000. More so than the film originally lets on.

Although the third act is bigger, louder and with plenty more robots, it does seem to stall slightly. I felt as though my utter encapsulation with Wall-E living his life was interrupted by his expedition into space, and really during the space act, although it was still very, very good, I just wanted him to go home and shovel up some more rubbish.

All in all, the film falls short of Pixar classics such as Monsters, Inc. and the Toy Stories, but with all that heart, Wall-E himself carries the film beyond expectations and becomes definitively one of the most compelling characters in animation history.

Rating: ****+
Sequel: If they can make it work, I'd love to see more of Wall-E
Best Bit: The opening 15 minutes. An absolute triumph.
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Knight-E

Less than 2 weeks now before Project Knight-E is activated (The act of watching both Wall-E and The Dark Knight in one day) and I can't wait.

Will Wall-E beat Toy Story 2 as the greatest Pixar film ever?
Will Heath Ledger win an Oscar?!
Will these two film together, go down in cinematic history as true modern greats?

Stay tuned.
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Review: St. Trinian's

Quite possibly the worst film I've seen all year.
It may just edge out The Happening.

Right, where to start with this horrendous mess of plot holes, bad, bad acting and truly abysmal script writing?

St. Trinian's is obviously not going to be the sort of film I was ever going to like. However I even surprised myself for my level of disdain for it upon the closing credits (I'm surprised most of them wanted their names on there). It revolves around the story of a school overrun by, well, bitches who think it's be totally awesome (and, indeed, remotely possible) to take control of it and create what can only be described as a lewd haven for gils of all ages. This leads me to my first major problem with the film. I highly doubt anyone over the age of 15 would have enjoyed this film or taken lessons away from it. However, the younger generation upon watching this may very well see these sorry excuses for performances as great role-models, imitating their incredulously BBFC-approved (for a 12A!) phone-sex excapades and drug use. Nice one, guys.

The message is so horrendously warped I find it hard to believe how ANYONE could take anything positive away from this film, as the final message seems to be "do whatever the hell you want, it'll all work out in the end as long as you're willing to go to extreme lengths and perform unbelieveable illegalities." Fuck off. Children, go see Wall-E. A 2" bin-man robot incapable of speech can act better than these girls, an you'll get a much more wholesome film (and indeed, just generally better) as a matter of fact, kids, go see Saw instead of this film, do anything but watch this steaming pile of... shite!

How this is the film that launched Gemma Arterton's career I'll never know, the girl's a talented actress and I'm sure she'll do well in Quantum Of Solace. But St. Trinian's will forever be on her record, a black mark on this young actress' repertoire.

St Trinian's, you have poisoned the face of British Cinema for Winter 2007/08. I hope never to encounter you again.

Rating: -/*****
Sequel: In pre-production, I'm contemplating suicide.
Best Bit: Stephen Fry

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Review: Tom's DVD collection

My DVD collection. A veritable melting pot of old and new DVDs, each hand-picked by me that are deemed worthy of a place on my sacred shelf of films, television and even a bit of standup.
Here I rate each and every DVD, with a star rating and five words or less. Let's go.

The Collection
1. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls ****
Painfully funny
2. Liar Liar ****
Heartfelt yet hilarious
3. Knocked Up ****
Perfect RomCom
4. Superbad ****
crude, funny, infinetely rewatchable
5. Borat ***+
Funny, but only in company
6. The Nightmare Before Christmas ****
Beautiful
7. Corpse Bride ***
Not as good as "Nightmare..."
8. Airplane! ****+
Never gets old
9. School Of Rock ***
Good, but not that good
10. Harvey ****+
Pure imagination and genius
11. Dodgeball ***
Funny but tedious
12. Shaun Of The Dead *****
Best. Comedy. Ever.
13. Anchorman ****
Great jokes, great story.
12. Talledega Nights ***+
Not as good as Anchorman
13. Blades Of Glory ***
" " Talledega Nights
14. Digimon: The Movie **+
The door to my childhood...
15. Monty Python's Life Of Brian ***
Overrated
16. Monty Python and the Holy Grail ****
Beats "Life Of Brian"
17. Napoleon Dynamite ***+
Just, good.
18. Garden State *
Why, JD, Why?
19. Daredevil ***
Fun and exciting
20. Casino Royale ****
It's just plain awesome
21. V For Vendetta *****
Mindblowingly perfect
22. War Of The Worlds (2005) **+
Meh.
23. [Can't make out the title from the picture]
[Bet it was crap anyway]
24. Donnie Darko****+
Teen angst at its best.
25. A Scanner Darkly ***+
A great, underrated film
26. Pan's Labyrinth ****
Yet to meet a hater
27. Cloverfield ****
Not scary, but damn cool
28. Children Of Men -
As yet unwatched
29. Muse: Absolution Tour ****
A great gig
30. Muse: Hullaballoo *****
45min documentary extra, awesome gig.
31. Muse: HAARP DVD ****+
Where's Bliss?
32. The Bill Bailey Collection *****
Fine, fine standup
33. Jimmy Carr: Comedian ****
Outrageous, but brilliant
34. Lee Evans XL ***
Good, but annoying
35. Magicians ***
Funny, despite what "they" say
36. That Mitchell and Webb Look-Series 1 ****+
Best sketch-show since "Big Train"
37: The Two Faces Of Mitchell and Webb (Live Show) **+
Small budget flop
38-41. Peep Show: Series 1, 2, 3, 4 *****
Outstanding
42. Family Guy: Stewie Griffin- The Untold Story ***
It's just 3 episodes!
43. Family Guy: The Freakin' Sweet Collection ****
Now that's more like it
44. Family Guy: Blue Harvest ****
A great, great spoof
45-50. Family Guy: Series 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ****
Many an hour wasted watching
51-52. American Dad Vol 1 & 2 ****
Just as good as FG
53. Doctor Who: Season 3 Volume 4 ****
John Simm MAKES the show
54. Gavin and Stacey Series 1 ****
Best britcom right now
55. Extras Series 2 ****+
I love it
56. Futurama Season 4 ****+
Superb humour and amazing characters
57. The Office: The complete series 1 & 2 ****+
Ellen Page likes it, too
58-59. Heroes Season 1 parts 1&2 ****
As good as Lost? No
60. Spaced Season 1 ****
brilliant

Absent/On loan:
Doctor Who Season 3 Volume 3 ****
Hot Fuzz ****

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Chris' List

I thought that i would include a list of my Top 20 films just for the sheer fun of it and i hope that whoever reads this will find an interest in reading it.


1. Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
2. Almost Famous
3. Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship of The Ring
4. The Truman Show
5. Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers
6. Sliding Doors
7. Transformers
8. The Naked Gun 2 and a half
9. 300
10. Superbad
11. Cloverfield
12. Sideways
13. Spiderman
14. Spiderman 2
15. Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
16. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
17. V For Vendetta
18. Little Miss Sunshine
19. Pleasantville
20. Hot Fuzz [Tom: Not SOTD? I thought it was better]

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My opinion

Indy 4 was a good, well plotted film. I for one LIKED the idea of aliens, we got something genuinely historically mythical, as well as it being a superb action film without the extra-terrestrial plotline.

Spiderman 2 beats any other comic book film ever made. Even X2, Batman or Batman Begins.

School of Rock wasn't THAT good.

Magicians was a funny film. it's got a good 3 stars to it's name and plenty of potential.

Garden State is one of the worst films ever written, and Zack Braff SHOULD be typecast as JD, it's the only good role he's got and the only one where he doesn't look a complete douchebag.

Going off films for a second, Christopher Eccleston was a better Doctor then David Tennant. Ladies, stop watching because you think he's hot and because the plot's easy to follow, no more of Russel T Davis' dei ex machinis for you. It's all Moffat from here on out.

Oh and enough of these art house types pretending anime is the best genre out there. I'm pretty sure most of you just made up your own subtexts to fit in with the film anyway. Go watch A Monty Python film and get over your own greedy pretentiousness.

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Shark Boy and Lava Girl, eat your heart out and die of it

I thought i'd write a very short review, which i may later make a long review, this time it's The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl.


In one word (excluding these words)...........Terrible




Rating: anything below 0 stars would perfectly suit this film

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Review: Iron Man

I start writing this post by rocking out to the song Iron Man by Black Sabbath, and i assure you though that was very fun it will not change my opinion of the film (sorry Robert Downey Jr.)

When i heard about Iron Man being the best superhero film since classics such as Spiderman 2 and Superman from other reviews i must say i was very hyped, seeing as i am a massive fan of the superhero film genre, unfortunately i find myself disagreeing with these reviews.
Iron Man is a superhero action packed film which also raises ideas about how peace can be achieved. The way in which Iron Man raises this idea of peace helps to stop this film from becoming another superhero film let down which sets itself on having vast CGI involved action scenes and like Spiderman 2 did it helps to appeal to a larger audience (like Spiderman 2 did with Peter Parkers love for Mary Jane) unfortunately this side to the film is never properly expressed in any major way but acts as a barrier for audiences enjoyment behind the action.
Luckily the action scenes of this film were very impressive and did not rely heavily on special effects and is consistent throughout the film but does not boggle the audience or at worst cram them with too many action scenes.
There is a problem that i did find with the action scenes towards the end, which is that the villain is not too appealing, this is partly because of the unoriginal idea of the villain (just a massive version of Iron Man) and also there is a lack of character development so classic characteristics of a villain are never shown which make this character very unimpressive and leave the audience to mainly concentrate on Iron Man.
Robert Downey Jr. gives a superb performance as Tony Stark/Iron Man and brings a light charm to the film which appeals well to the mass audience who look for more than just a superhero film, Robert Downey Jr. is part of the reason this film is saved from being a throw away superhero movie, and it's just as well because there isn't much of the film which does not feature him, so the audience find themselves drawn to this one character to save them, and because he is able to be funny and serious as an actor means that this film is a success.

Tony Starks assistant, Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) adds a very light edge of romance to the film but draws some of the attention away from Tony Stark but because of the fact she does not heavily appear in this film it allows the film to keep to it's main aim of being a superhero film and not a boring love spun tale with an exceeded amount of shoddy action scenes.

Iron Man is a film that can be easily enjoyed by almost anyone and does absolutely nothing wrong but unfortunately doesn't do everything right, but neverthless it features amazing action scenes and keeps audience attention.

Rating ***+/*****
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OH THE SHAME!

Due to a recent event, I've decided to flaunt my faults and as a result, here is a list of all the "classic" films I have never seen, as of yet.
1. Any horror film ever made
2. Edward Scissorhands
3. The Birds
4. Psycho
5. The Original King Kong
6. Batman, Batman Returns (And I've SEEN Batman Forever and Batman and Robin)
7. Fight Club
8. Brokeback Mountain
9. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
10. The Godfather
11. Superman II
12. Pulp Fiction (I KNOW!)
13. Schindler's List
14. Saving Private Ryan
15. Almost Famous
16. Sleepy Hollow
17. Lost In Translation
18. The Piano
19. The Terminator
20. Blade Runner
21. Tron

Oh dear god...
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Lackluster Review: Independence Day

Well, as it's July 4th, here's my quick, lackluster review of Will Smith's Independence Day.

Will Smith: Good role
Aliens: Pretty creepy, but a bit stupid if you believe the plotline
CGI was pretty damn impressive for a film 10 years old.
The plot was a bit crap, as was the dialogue. I was a bit bored with the film to be honest.

***/*****



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Review: Run, Fatboy, Run

I feel I should explain myself on this one, as I have recieved my fair share of controversy within my circle of friends for announcing this film deserves 4 stars.
It recieved mixed reviews by the "professional" critics. But this is not a film for the critics. It is a film for the audience.

About 6 weeks ago I watched Run, Fatboy, Run for the first time, having kept close tabs on the reviews I had not seeked it out particularly, but one day, finding myself with nothing to do I decided to watch it over a ready-made lasagne (it was delicious)

Run, Fatboy, Run is your typical underdog sports story. A down-and-out middle aged man runs a marathon for some reason (In this case, to impress the woman he loves, after leaving her pregnant at the alter). It's these silly nuances that separates this film from the rest, the script is by no means a masterpiece but is very adept in it's storytelling and in all honesty, very funny.

The characters I think are superbly developed. Simon Pegg's incarnation of an unfit, middle class loser are scarily vivid. While across-the-pond actor Hank Azaria (one of my favourites) lends his versatility to the film and becomes an obnoxious american businessman/usurper douchebag. Dylan Moran made this film for me, however. His soft Irish accent and waster mannerisms make him by far the most amiable character in the film, with arguably the best lines, one that comes to mind immediately is during the douchebag's party scene, when he is being showed round the flat comes to the bathroom and says "Would it be weird if I took a bath? It would be weird, wouldn't it?" Well done to him for such a great performance.

The reason this film got such a contextually bad reception was for, I think, the reason that people are sued to Simon Pegg's works being outstanding. Big Train was a triumph at the turn of the millennium and the Blood and Ice Cream films are arguable some of he best examples of comedy films ever. I think comparison to these is unfair. Simon Pegg co-wrote this film with an American, Micheal Ian Black, this goes to show the film was intended for a wider market than Pegg's other works. Shaun of the Dead was, let's face it, pretty niche. An American Director also robbed the film of some of it's critical potential, but I suppose what I want to get across is that this film can't be lumped in with the rest, it's not essentially a British film. Wide-appeal films are never going to be regarded as classics (bar a few), this film has absolutely nothing remarkable about it, but it;s SO good at being what it is, a funny, casual comedy film with a heart. Say what you like, I really don't care. Run, Fatboy, Run is a great film.

Rating: ****/*****
Sequel: Never
Best Moment: "Come on up then!"

Oh and in the spirit of American competence, happy Independence Day to all!

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Review: Horton Hears a Who!

Well this is my first post and therefore first contribution to the blog, and i thought i would start it nicely by writing a review of Horton Hears a Who!, so here we go, i hope you enjoy.

Horton Hears a Who!
Rating: ****/*****

At first, when arriving to the cinema to go and see Horton Hears a Who! i was expecting an amusing film that would impress me but would be something i could perhaps forget with a couple of amusingly childish moments from Horton (voiced by Jim Carrey),and animation that bordered on the line of being visually stunning but faced towards the visual dullness of such films as The Reef.
I can and will say that my premonition of this film was wrong, and i was wrong to make this premise.
Horton Hears a Who! is centered around an elephant called Horton who resides in a jungle, and one day hears voices on a tiny spec and goes about protecting the spec from the other jungle inhabitants who disagree with Horton. This mix of a plot that borders being Philosophical combined with the whimsical enjoyment that children can appreciate from this film make it a perfect family film.
Though Horton Hears a Who! is a film that does not have many characters centered around it's plot it uses the lesser characters so that this adaptation of a Dr. Seuss book does not seem like the film is centered around a Philosophical plot, for instance the blue mouse Morton (voiced by Seth Rogen) brings a sarcastic charm to the film, whereas the character Katie adds a touch of childishly loveable humour.

Horton hears a Who! offers a delightful adventure full of laughs, but some of which do not appear to be in line with the story and make the film slightly lacking and as though it seems the film is trying to be stretched out as much as possible, neverthless it strives to keep it's plot as interesting as possible and luckily succeeds in making an amusing family film that can mainly be aimed at children, but still allow an older generation to be entertained.
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