What were they thinking?! 1

There's been points in films where at some point, something happened that made you lose all faith in the film.
I hope to showcase some of the best examples of that, starting with a humdinger from Spring 2007.

Yes it's the infamous Spiderman 3 dance scene



What were they thinking?!
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Review: The Dark Knight

My tickets worked. :)

The Dark Knight. It was a mission in itself to try and get an objective view of this film after all the hype, marketing, and Ledger's death in January. However, I felt eventually the anticipation served me well, and even if it is a little subjective, who cares? I'm 17 and have been looking forward to this film for 10 months.

The first thing to say about it is it's long. Really, very long. In fact, when we reached what I thought to be the climax in the film, we turned out to be just halfway through the film! The second thing is to say about it is... it's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Almost every performance is captivating and memorable, the set pieces are beautiful, and the storyline is engaging on an emotional, physical and humourous level. Of course, Ledger's performance shines brightest, but Gary Oldman provides a terrific performance as Jim Gordon as well, a tragically overlooked character amidst the real comic-book stylized heroes and villains.

Another surprisingly impressive thing about this film is the size of Two-Face's role in the film. Yes, Dent features prominently, but his post-fuck-up alter ego features is the film for a good 40 minutes. And yes, you see everything. Every detail of his horrific, disfigured face. Aaron Eckhaart was brilliantly cast here, he's a true hero, for the first half anyway. Then as the sneer of Two-Face settles in he's just as at home, flipping his coin to determine who lives and who dies. It's a tragic story, this film, all the interlinking plot lines and characters, none of them side stories or support actors. This 154-minute epic runs it's entire length cramming it full of relevance, hardly any of it dispensable.

Your jaw will drop. You'll gasp, you'll even laugh, this is the legacy of Ledger, he takes so much from the audience, more than anyone else in the film. From his semi-legendary pencil-pushing magic trick to his transvestite disguise in the second act. You'll find yourself loving the Joker even though he offers nothing for you to love, you'll cheer him on as he blows up a hospital, as he carves scars into the sides of a mobster's face. You'll love every moment of Ledger's screentime and he deserves it. It's an epic performance that will go down relentlessly in history, fuck you, Jack Nicholson.

To summarise, see this film to believe it. Not only for Ledger, not only for Batman, not only to knock Mamma Mia! off the number 1 spot in the UK Box Office but because it's incredible. The Dark Knight is here, and won't go way until it's sure it's secured itself a plac ein the history books, Batman's voice will irritate, but so what?

Rating: *****
Sequel: Probably, David Tennant for Riddler!
Best Moment:The last five minutes, probably the darkest of the film, with a Superb monologue from Oldman

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Emperors New Groove

I know this probably isn't a review that you'd be expecting to see on here but i watched this film last week because of my sudden, strange want to see Disney films that i hadn't before, and i felt i had to review it after seeing it.

The Emperors New Groove is the story of the Emperor Kuzco who plans to build a summer home on top of a hill which unfortunately is the home of peasant Pacha, who lives and simple and busy life but still stands by a set of morals despite having to live a peasant life. The plot is changed when the evil adviser to Kuzco decides to plot against him and turns him into a llama with the help of her minion Kronk. From this point onwards the plot escalates into a tale of morals and comparison between it's two main characters.

As much as i enjoyed The Emperors New Groove, which i did, i felt it was a film you can watch without too much ease and enjoy either way, i did feel that it did not meet the mark that most Disney films seem to. Though the film set out to be a comedy with morals it failed by it's own definition slightly with a lack of humour, most of the humour coming from the character Kronk but still making it infrequent and a very simple story about morals which was not expanded on much at all, basically saying that no matter how different you are you can always be friends, this was shown but not to an extent that it shaped the film, what this film really needed was a montage like so much over Disney films of the relationship between Kuzco and Pacha, but seeing as this film lacked music that was nowhere to be seen.

With a lack of music, romance, and with infrequent humour the plot cannot go anywhere except make a few good jokes along the way, and unfortunately because of the lack of romance, music etc. it unravelled the plot to be simple and just look like a journey back to a palace (which is what most of the plot is) whereas something like Shrek has a very simple plot but the audience never find it to be simple or tedious because of it's frequent humour, romance, music and much more.

Another problem i found with this film was they based a film mainly around the Emperor Kuzco but the character himself was never given any of the decent jokes and there is so much spent showing the audience that he is an annoying, spoilt emperor that it is slightly unclear of a change in him as a person, thus weakening the point of basing this plot around morals and by taking away the romance etc. it's really weakening Disney's shield of this being a success as a film.

The film did end up seeming like it was just a massive chance for the character of Kronk to make some good jokes and i couldn't help but think that it was just a test film for Disney so they could work out how to make better films by making one average one, neverthless i did enjoy the character of Kronk to a very large extent, unlike Kuzco he was well written and was given a lot of jokes, and because of this it is in Kronk that most of the attention is given and it ends up that Kronk is the character that keeps fighting so that Disney has some very thin shield helping them defend from the inevitable word 'flop'.

I would respect Disney more if this was just a test film wherein they would ideaolise the character of Kronk and work out how well a Disney film can do without it's main genre's but unfortunately that is very unlikely and it does just seem like a disregard to their usual standards of Disney classic.

The main problem with this film is that it doesn't provide enough to the audience, it will keep audiences amused but never wanting more after the film has finished except of the character Kronk.


Rating: ***/*****
Why watch it: Kronk, and if you need a film which you don't need to pay much attention to
What does it need: A Montage!!!!!!
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Cinematic Irony

My first real blog story.

It's Monday afternoon, and Chris (from the blog) and I are out in town.
"Why don't we get our tickets for The Dark Knight today?" I ask, aware of the complications that can arise when trying to get into a Summer blockbuster. Chris agrees and, as I owe him probably over £10, I offer to buy his ticket as well. I go to the cash office and buy two tickets for the 20.30 showing of The Dark Knight on Thursday. Evening hours? Schools out? Opening night? It's gonna be busy.
We walk out.
"Are you going to give me my ticket?" Chris asks. Now, I know for a fact Chris is not one for remembering things. Forgetting a ticket this small is just his style, I remind him of this and insist on keeping a firm hold on the tickets.
"If anything happens to those tickets, you'll never hear the end of it!" Our friend Joe chips in. He's right. Chris would gloat for endless hours should I be so careless as to lose these tickets.

Anyway I arrive back home that night and fall almost immediately asleep. Upon waking up I'm repulsed by the amount of clothes in my washing bin. I decide to put a dark wash on.
I halfheartedly remove the coins and belt from my jeans, and shove the contents of the bin in the washing machine, crank it up to 40, and go and play on my Xbox

You can see where this is going can't you?

While enjoying a bootlegged clip of Heath's Joker killing a mobster with a pencil, I smugly remind myself I have tickets for the opening night, when a thought hits me
They were in my jeans, I took the coins out, did I... Oh shit!
I dash to the washing machine. The cycle has cruelly ended. There's nothing I can do. I remove the soggy mess of paper that is my 2 tickets and examine them. I might still be able to get away with them, I'll talk to the manager. But I'll never, ever live this moment down in front of Chris.

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Review: Wall-E

Part 1
I have now watched the first 30 minutes of Wall-E.
It's an absolute classic. A cinematic delight so rare I can remember every moment, yet want to see it all again. Wall-E is an absolutely heartbreaking character, whether he's panicking over where to put a spork he's found (in the spoon section or the fork section?) or folding himself into a cube, rocking himself to sleep (a stunningly sad moment in the film). I almost wish they had made that part of the film longer, we see only 15 minutes of Wall-E being Wall-E, before EVE is introduced. I'm pleased with EVE, it could have been so easy for her to irritate me after denying me more undoubtedly adorable Wall-E escapades, but his futile efforts to impress her as the story progresses are just as endearing and enjoyable to witness.

The first 3o minutes of the film features almost no dialogue from the main characters. Wall-E says only 2 words: "directive" and "Eva" (he can't seem to say "Eve"). I find it amazing how such a film managed to keep my attention, nay, keep me in rapture for that entire time. I can't wait to see the final 60 minutes of this film. But to be honest, this first third has told me almost all I need to know.

Part 2
So how does Wall-E impress on the big screen? Pretty damn well, actually. The opening half hour obviously a highlight in the experience. However after EVE shuts down, we are treated to a few more blissful moments of Wall-E's frustrated solitude. The thing with this film I think, is that as soon as the story moved on, and Wall-E embarks into space, I missed what had gone on before. Don't get me wrong, the story moves along in a very compelling and exhilarating fashion. Mo the robot is introduced, with a personal vendetta against the mess Wall-E leaves behind as he happily scoots alongside the still non-functional EVE. The autopilot, another robot is introduced, a definite throwback to HAL 9000. More so than the film originally lets on.

Although the third act is bigger, louder and with plenty more robots, it does seem to stall slightly. I felt as though my utter encapsulation with Wall-E living his life was interrupted by his expedition into space, and really during the space act, although it was still very, very good, I just wanted him to go home and shovel up some more rubbish.

All in all, the film falls short of Pixar classics such as Monsters, Inc. and the Toy Stories, but with all that heart, Wall-E himself carries the film beyond expectations and becomes definitively one of the most compelling characters in animation history.

Rating: ****+
Sequel: If they can make it work, I'd love to see more of Wall-E
Best Bit: The opening 15 minutes. An absolute triumph.
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Knight-E

Less than 2 weeks now before Project Knight-E is activated (The act of watching both Wall-E and The Dark Knight in one day) and I can't wait.

Will Wall-E beat Toy Story 2 as the greatest Pixar film ever?
Will Heath Ledger win an Oscar?!
Will these two film together, go down in cinematic history as true modern greats?

Stay tuned.
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Review: St. Trinian's

Quite possibly the worst film I've seen all year.
It may just edge out The Happening.

Right, where to start with this horrendous mess of plot holes, bad, bad acting and truly abysmal script writing?

St. Trinian's is obviously not going to be the sort of film I was ever going to like. However I even surprised myself for my level of disdain for it upon the closing credits (I'm surprised most of them wanted their names on there). It revolves around the story of a school overrun by, well, bitches who think it's be totally awesome (and, indeed, remotely possible) to take control of it and create what can only be described as a lewd haven for gils of all ages. This leads me to my first major problem with the film. I highly doubt anyone over the age of 15 would have enjoyed this film or taken lessons away from it. However, the younger generation upon watching this may very well see these sorry excuses for performances as great role-models, imitating their incredulously BBFC-approved (for a 12A!) phone-sex excapades and drug use. Nice one, guys.

The message is so horrendously warped I find it hard to believe how ANYONE could take anything positive away from this film, as the final message seems to be "do whatever the hell you want, it'll all work out in the end as long as you're willing to go to extreme lengths and perform unbelieveable illegalities." Fuck off. Children, go see Wall-E. A 2" bin-man robot incapable of speech can act better than these girls, an you'll get a much more wholesome film (and indeed, just generally better) as a matter of fact, kids, go see Saw instead of this film, do anything but watch this steaming pile of... shite!

How this is the film that launched Gemma Arterton's career I'll never know, the girl's a talented actress and I'm sure she'll do well in Quantum Of Solace. But St. Trinian's will forever be on her record, a black mark on this young actress' repertoire.

St Trinian's, you have poisoned the face of British Cinema for Winter 2007/08. I hope never to encounter you again.

Rating: -/*****
Sequel: In pre-production, I'm contemplating suicide.
Best Bit: Stephen Fry

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